Do I Compromise?

One of the most Frequently Asked Questions, and it most commonly comes from people is a very new relationship is, Do I Compromise?

Well simply answered if you want to be in an 'ok' relationship that you would score between 5 and 7 on a scale of 0 - 10 then yes go ahead and compromise your needs or values. But, be warned, its most likely to stay at a 5 - 7, and it will probably get worse.

Why is that? Well again the short answer is that in everybody's '10' is the phrase 'he/she loves and accepts me exactly as I am'. And so if we modify/compromise or adjust our values we do not feel good about ourselves. It's like we did a deal with ourselves long ago that we will be ourselves even if that means that it is not 'a good fit' with someone we want to be with. So the reason it often deteriorates is that we kind of resent what we have had to do differently just because it didn't suit our partner. Resentment is 'red' and so will always cause disconnection.

I was coaching someone today who is in a new relationship where the man is asking the woman to stop behaving in a certain way that doesn't meet his values and beliefs. Now she sees no wrong in what she is doing. So are either of them right or wrong about the actual thing? No, of course not, its just a difference in values and beliefs. The danger is, if there is attachment to this man, that she is likely to compromise to 'keep the peace'. My hallucination is that it won't stop there. What happens the next time? Does she compromise again? So often people will talk about this being like living on egg shells.

So there is no rule book of what is right or wrong. There is only your needs. So my answer is no, don't compromise. Better to find someone who shares your values and beliefs!

Oh and last thing and this is what I counselled this young lady to do today - Remember to tell the other person what you have decided from a 'green' space. What does that look like? It means to not make them wrong, it means to own your decision and it means to be loving. I guarantee that the relationship will benefit from this whether you are meant to be together or not.

Nicki Vee x

www.tonyandnickivee.com

Girls, Are you in a new relationship? You might want to check out this weeks You Tube video - How To Spot A Plonker!