What is the most difficult habit to spot that will ruin your intimate relationships but seems like 'loving' behaviour?
The pattern of Loving Too Much.
This is most common in, but not exclusive to, women.
So what does it look like and why does it ruin intimate relationships?
Ok here is why its subtle. It looks like being the perfect partner. It looks like being loving, understanding, patient and caring.
You can spot 'Women Who Love Too much' because they always have a partner who has problems. Maybe he has addictions, or he has mood swings or habits that he 'can't help'. He is always sorry when he has been difficult, aggressive, silent or he has huge problems at work again. She always lets it go, puts him first, walks on egg shells, until the next time.
All her conversations are about his challenges, how he can be so fantastic and what can she do to help him when he isn't? How can she understand his problems more so that she can 'make him better'? All the magazines and books she reads are so that she can find things that may help his situation.
Mostly she says, "but I love him." THIS IS NOT LOVE. Its not anything like what real love is between two healthy human beings. This is dysfunctional, co dependant behaviour. Women Who Love Too Much need to understand their problem is as bad as his because they are allowing this negative energy to be present in their lives and often in the lives of their children. It is all about not feeling good enough. It is all about feeling fearful that he will fall apart without you. It is all about thinking he will change if you just do more for him.
Men who are drawn to women who do this are normally in a weakened state. They look for a strong woman to 'look after' them; Of course men who go to their woman with their problems are playing the victim and if she doesn't know any better she reacts to it by 'mothering' him. This will never give them a healthy relationship, polarity or attraction.
Men do 'loving too much' too. They look for women with problems to fix and then re-enforce the behaviour by always being there to help.
Both men and women who love too much are re-enforcing this victim behaviour by helping. It is best to leave your partner to find a solution for themselves or it will never end. And it will keep happening in any future relationships unless you stop and really understand your own pattern.
We had a woman here in Austria last weekend who summed it up for me. She made the classic remark, saying, "well who else was going to clear up the mess when he came home drunk, wrecked the place and was violently sick?"
Not you honey bunch thats for sure. When are you going to put you first? When are you going to stop waiting for him to change? When are you going to stop making excuses for him? When are you going to let him know this is unacceptable?
The best thing that happened was when she started to see that she was massively contributing to the problem. When she recognised her own pattern.
When my second husband was threatening suicide because I couldn't put up with it any longer his sister phoned me and said, "Its your fault". "What?" I screamed. "Yes," she said, "if you hadn't put up with his behaviour in the first place he would have had to get himself sorted out." Well whether he would of or not, I could have saved myself years of pain and anguish for me and my son if I'd had a good long hard look at me.
So if you recognise yourself as a woman (or man) who loves too much do get in touch so that we can help you find a more empowering way to live your life and a more healthy way to share your love with another human being.
To view the video you can go to any of tony & Nicki's video channels : YouTube, Yahoo, MySpace, Metacafe, Revver, Break, DailyMotion, Blip.tv, Veoh, Crackle, Imeem, Sclipo, Viddler and Howcast
Sending you love,
Nicki Vee x
P.S. Recommended read - Women Who Love Too Much by Robyn Norwood.
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Thursday, 18 September 2008
Relationship Advice - Sex & Money 4
Are you one of those people who others talk about saying 'Yes, He/She Has It All'?
So many people believe that if they had Loads Of Money that they could 'Have It All', that they would be happy, and that their Intimate Relationship Problems would go away!
If only that were true!
Both Tony and I have experienced being very wealthy in our lives and we can both emphatically tell you that it does not equal happiness especially in your intimate relationships!
Why is that?
Well it's often different for men and women ...
For men, having loads of money can often mean that they can easily attract women or that a woman will stay with them for security or because of their great lifestyle. This is because some of the qualities that cause a man to be successful financially are often seen as very 'masculine' by women. This could be their certainty and confidence in themselves, their power to influence others and their ability to 'have what they want'.
The problem is that, in many cases, their other behaviour does not meet their partners needs at all. This can be an inordinately high drive for more success and/or more sex, an addiction to various things that help them 'come down' from the stresses of their business life and/or constantly being drawn to distractions such as sport, the pub, television, more work and worst case, other women. These behaviours leave little or no time to nurture a new relationship or sustain the attraction within a longer term one. Often women feel second best to 'the business' or even his hobbies and can become demanding, needy, nagging and sometimes even drawn to create their own 'separate life'.
All of this can look like a dream life from the outside but, if the wealthy couples that we coach are anything to go by, this can lead to massive disconnection, mistrust, constant arguing and a lack of true intimacy.
So men, you want to know the answer?
Put the same kind of attention to loving your woman that you would give to your business. Find out her real needs. Often what she says she wants is only the surface need and of course the mistake many rich men make is to try to 'buy' peace, harmony and a happy woman! Give her your time and your certainty about life with you that is not linked to your bank account. Don't try to please her, live the life you want to live or she will never really 'trust you', if she can sway you she will believe the world can. Oh, and learn what it takes to really make love to a woman, this is very different than having sex!
Now I know that sounds a bit confusing, women are complicated beings, so why not call us for more clarity! Tony always says it took him a long time to really learn this stuff but the rewards are unbelievable...
So women who 'have it all', what happens for them?
Can they have it all, or like the men, do they find that in many cases that having a lot of money negatively affects their love life?
Sadly yes, the women that we have coached all say the same. I have it all except for a great relationship!
So why is this? Well fundamentally most women who have made it financially have used quite a lot of masculine traits in order to be successful. This is attractive to more 'feminine' men and a complete turn off to 'masculine' men. You see even if a woman attracts a man who is equally successful there will not be the polarity/attraction long term because he doesn't really want to be 'equal' (the same) or in competition with his intimate partner.
So I hear you ask what the hell do we do? We don't want to be with a feminine man who depends on us and we want to be with a masculine man who loves us as we are.
Well there are two stages - firstly of course you can be successful in your own right BUT you need to learn to do that in a feminine way so that you have polarity with a masculine man. You need to take your right foot off the accelerator (gas pedal)! My experience was that as soon as I stopped pushing, driving, striving and forcing for more success that I started to feel and act more feminine and I DID NOT become any less successful by doing that, in fact, I earned more! I also felt more at peace and more relaxed. I definitely showed up differently with men and therefore miraculously started to attract a completely different kind of man.
Secondly, I put my attention towards my social, relationship and home life rather than fit it around work as I had in the past. I put 'him' first and my work didn't suffer at all. My selection process was much better though, I chose to spend time with men that I respected and admired.
Eventually he found me and my life and work fitted perfectly into his.
This is what worked for me as a successful, single woman and the same will work for you if you are in a relationship with a successful man. True intimacy and long term attraction will happen if you 'let him be the man', trust him to look after you and learn to be in your feminine but be careful that does not look needy or demanding. If you need more clarification on that email me now!
And finally if you are a successful woman who is in a relationship with a man who is not, you may be concerned as to how this relationship can work better. Its a little complicated to handle in full here but look at the options listed above that apply to single women and do the same. Probably the only way that this relationship will work is for you to let go of being 'in charge' and to absolutely know that underneath he is a real man who has just lost his way. The way to assist him to get back on track is to let go yourself and to ask him for help. All real men respond magnificently to a woman asking for help. And if he doesn't then maybe we do need to talk...
Finally woman who are successful can often find it complicated in the bedroom too. They are either very confident and getting a lot of sex that isn't fulfilling as its more like sexual athletics or they are too busy and tired for any sex at all. Being feminine means being taken and being loved by a man physically, if you are in charge this cannot happen and you won't be fulfilled. Get the message?
Whatever your situation please know that Tony and I are available for a complimentary 30 minute consultation. I know we can help you, in our experience there is no relationship problem that cannot be resolved with some time and commitment.
To view the video please go to any tony and Nicki video channel : YouTube, Yahoo, MySpace, Metacafe, Google, Revver, DailyMotion, Blip.tv, Veoh, Crackle, Imeem, Sclipo, Viddler and Howcast
Speak soon, Nicki Vee x
So many people believe that if they had Loads Of Money that they could 'Have It All', that they would be happy, and that their Intimate Relationship Problems would go away!
If only that were true!
Both Tony and I have experienced being very wealthy in our lives and we can both emphatically tell you that it does not equal happiness especially in your intimate relationships!
Why is that?
Well it's often different for men and women ...
For men, having loads of money can often mean that they can easily attract women or that a woman will stay with them for security or because of their great lifestyle. This is because some of the qualities that cause a man to be successful financially are often seen as very 'masculine' by women. This could be their certainty and confidence in themselves, their power to influence others and their ability to 'have what they want'.
The problem is that, in many cases, their other behaviour does not meet their partners needs at all. This can be an inordinately high drive for more success and/or more sex, an addiction to various things that help them 'come down' from the stresses of their business life and/or constantly being drawn to distractions such as sport, the pub, television, more work and worst case, other women. These behaviours leave little or no time to nurture a new relationship or sustain the attraction within a longer term one. Often women feel second best to 'the business' or even his hobbies and can become demanding, needy, nagging and sometimes even drawn to create their own 'separate life'.
All of this can look like a dream life from the outside but, if the wealthy couples that we coach are anything to go by, this can lead to massive disconnection, mistrust, constant arguing and a lack of true intimacy.
So men, you want to know the answer?
Put the same kind of attention to loving your woman that you would give to your business. Find out her real needs. Often what she says she wants is only the surface need and of course the mistake many rich men make is to try to 'buy' peace, harmony and a happy woman! Give her your time and your certainty about life with you that is not linked to your bank account. Don't try to please her, live the life you want to live or she will never really 'trust you', if she can sway you she will believe the world can. Oh, and learn what it takes to really make love to a woman, this is very different than having sex!
Now I know that sounds a bit confusing, women are complicated beings, so why not call us for more clarity! Tony always says it took him a long time to really learn this stuff but the rewards are unbelievable...
So women who 'have it all', what happens for them?
Can they have it all, or like the men, do they find that in many cases that having a lot of money negatively affects their love life?
Sadly yes, the women that we have coached all say the same. I have it all except for a great relationship!
So why is this? Well fundamentally most women who have made it financially have used quite a lot of masculine traits in order to be successful. This is attractive to more 'feminine' men and a complete turn off to 'masculine' men. You see even if a woman attracts a man who is equally successful there will not be the polarity/attraction long term because he doesn't really want to be 'equal' (the same) or in competition with his intimate partner.
So I hear you ask what the hell do we do? We don't want to be with a feminine man who depends on us and we want to be with a masculine man who loves us as we are.
Well there are two stages - firstly of course you can be successful in your own right BUT you need to learn to do that in a feminine way so that you have polarity with a masculine man. You need to take your right foot off the accelerator (gas pedal)! My experience was that as soon as I stopped pushing, driving, striving and forcing for more success that I started to feel and act more feminine and I DID NOT become any less successful by doing that, in fact, I earned more! I also felt more at peace and more relaxed. I definitely showed up differently with men and therefore miraculously started to attract a completely different kind of man.
Secondly, I put my attention towards my social, relationship and home life rather than fit it around work as I had in the past. I put 'him' first and my work didn't suffer at all. My selection process was much better though, I chose to spend time with men that I respected and admired.
Eventually he found me and my life and work fitted perfectly into his.
This is what worked for me as a successful, single woman and the same will work for you if you are in a relationship with a successful man. True intimacy and long term attraction will happen if you 'let him be the man', trust him to look after you and learn to be in your feminine but be careful that does not look needy or demanding. If you need more clarification on that email me now!
And finally if you are a successful woman who is in a relationship with a man who is not, you may be concerned as to how this relationship can work better. Its a little complicated to handle in full here but look at the options listed above that apply to single women and do the same. Probably the only way that this relationship will work is for you to let go of being 'in charge' and to absolutely know that underneath he is a real man who has just lost his way. The way to assist him to get back on track is to let go yourself and to ask him for help. All real men respond magnificently to a woman asking for help. And if he doesn't then maybe we do need to talk...
Finally woman who are successful can often find it complicated in the bedroom too. They are either very confident and getting a lot of sex that isn't fulfilling as its more like sexual athletics or they are too busy and tired for any sex at all. Being feminine means being taken and being loved by a man physically, if you are in charge this cannot happen and you won't be fulfilled. Get the message?
Whatever your situation please know that Tony and I are available for a complimentary 30 minute consultation. I know we can help you, in our experience there is no relationship problem that cannot be resolved with some time and commitment.
To view the video please go to any tony and Nicki video channel : YouTube, Yahoo, MySpace, Metacafe, Google, Revver, DailyMotion, Blip.tv, Veoh, Crackle, Imeem, Sclipo, Viddler and Howcast
Speak soon, Nicki Vee x
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Relationship Advice: Sex & Money Challenges 3
Just enough to get by… Inside and outside the bedroom! Men or women who have just enough money to get by are normally hooked on security, safety and certainty. They have probably been bought up to think that as long as they make sure they are safe financially that they will be happy. How wrong can they be?
If this is you, this belief and pattern of behavior has probably caused you to attract someone who thinks the same and when the financials are ‘just enough’ you both expect to be happy but you’re not.
Why is that? Because the doubt, worry, boredom and anxiousness about money, or about losing the job, or about the business failing, or the house not selling, or the investment falling will keep a man’s mind on everything but romance and a woman’s mind just full!
Hence it affects the bedroom too! Life and sex often becomes boring because both of you are thinking about everything else, not each other. Even in bed women will be thinking about the kids, the mortgage payments, the car needing servicing... everything apart from her man and his physical needs.
So a solution for both of you is togetherness time when you don't think about the financials and you don’t talk about how you are going to get safe financially long term.
Sharing what is fabulous for you both (Tony and I call it our ‘magic moments’) and what you are grateful for, and what you love about each other the most, will move you into a state where romance, love making and connection are at their highest.
Just enough to get by makes me think of that great expression: Your problems are somebody else’s dreams – think about it. Put’s everything into perspective doesn’t it?
Singles only have to consider one thing: What you give out you get back, what you focus on is what you get…so whatever is going on in your head will affect what or who you attract. If you are in ‘getting by mode’ you are probably not attractive to the opposite sex because everyone is looking for someone who is ‘having a great life’, including you!
Practice gratitude, imagine a rosy future or as the song says, ‘always look on the bright side of life’!
Need to chat more about this?
Email us or leave a comment…Nicki Vee x
To watch Sex & Money Challenges YouTube, MySpace, Metacafe, Google, DailyMotion, Veoh, Sclipo and Howcast
http://www.tonyandnickivee.com/
http://www.intimaterelationships.tv/
If this is you, this belief and pattern of behavior has probably caused you to attract someone who thinks the same and when the financials are ‘just enough’ you both expect to be happy but you’re not.
Why is that? Because the doubt, worry, boredom and anxiousness about money, or about losing the job, or about the business failing, or the house not selling, or the investment falling will keep a man’s mind on everything but romance and a woman’s mind just full!
Hence it affects the bedroom too! Life and sex often becomes boring because both of you are thinking about everything else, not each other. Even in bed women will be thinking about the kids, the mortgage payments, the car needing servicing... everything apart from her man and his physical needs.
So a solution for both of you is togetherness time when you don't think about the financials and you don’t talk about how you are going to get safe financially long term.
Sharing what is fabulous for you both (Tony and I call it our ‘magic moments’) and what you are grateful for, and what you love about each other the most, will move you into a state where romance, love making and connection are at their highest.
Just enough to get by makes me think of that great expression: Your problems are somebody else’s dreams – think about it. Put’s everything into perspective doesn’t it?
Singles only have to consider one thing: What you give out you get back, what you focus on is what you get…so whatever is going on in your head will affect what or who you attract. If you are in ‘getting by mode’ you are probably not attractive to the opposite sex because everyone is looking for someone who is ‘having a great life’, including you!
Practice gratitude, imagine a rosy future or as the song says, ‘always look on the bright side of life’!
Need to chat more about this?
Email us or leave a comment…Nicki Vee x
To watch Sex & Money Challenges YouTube, MySpace, Metacafe, Google, DailyMotion, Veoh, Sclipo and Howcast
http://www.tonyandnickivee.com/
http://www.intimaterelationships.tv/
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